Messy at midlife Momma

Turning 40.  Wow, that one even surprised me. Not that I was 40, instead how it hit me. 

I had always thought that people's reactions to birthdays was as much what they thought about it as how they felt.  I was intention about how I thought about birthdays, giving them little meaning other then a reason to have a night out and a nice dinner with my hubby.

Then 40 happened.  No matter what I thought, I couldn't shake a terrible, unhappy, dissatisfied, empty feeling climbing over me.  I tried to take perspective, be insightful, practice gratitude - nothing worked.  I did a bio psychosocial assessment on myself, listed all my vulnerabilities to practically find solutions to help - nothing did.  I sank deeper and deeper.  My health was waging a losing battle and I was messy.  Messy at midlife.

I lost relationships, I had become angry, less forgiving, more grudge & score keeping.  I had reached my maximum helping meter & was pissed.  I tried to put boundaries around myself, people noticed right away, some didn't understand.  How do you understand someone saying no & being apathetic when they have always laid down & been happy to be walked on?

I screamed on the inside, but was quiet on the outside.  I never wanted to harm myself or leave my children but man, I felt chained to a life I was entirely responsible for creating and hating almost every aspect of it.  I thought about what I liked, I had no idea when I started.  I tried to remember the last time I had fun, real let loose & laugh from that guttural place.  Too long ago to truly remember.  Looked at my relationships & realized I was working so hard to hold onto ones that had moved on without me.  Tried to make new connections and was successful going out for dinners scheduling play dates.  I felt no joy, felt forced to pretend and I was exhausted.

Surely I decided, I'm depressed.  I did some depression indexes and felt sure, I didn't know how I got there but was sure that I had arrived.  I realized that I had some EAP coverage & mulled it over for a bit & then with much hesitation made that call.  I started to see someone, skeptical at first but stuck with it.

I already knew 40 years of shit was weighing on me & I needed to confront it.  What I didn't realize was how effective I had been at avoiding and stuffing everything and how it was all erupting despite my horrified efforts to contain it.  It helped and I talked about things I had never spoken about it before.  I came to the realization I was angry, I was a conflict avoider, I wasn't strong in the ways I had thought, I was sick because of them and I was now getting well.

The messiness got better, I felt better, took more risks, felt excitement, felt alive.  Those around me noticed too.  Then I stopped.  I stopped because my coverage ran out and I avoided having to pay and explain to my hubby why.   I shouldn't have.

Now we're so tight financially I couldn't pay if I wanted to and guess what, I want to.  I need to.

I feel a captive in my own life, no fun, no joy, no point.  Messy, messy, messy momma.
 

A hot mess

A hot mess.  That's me.

Lost in the call of duty.  Things are so far off track I'm not sure how to get back on.  Where to start, how to get the motivation...like I don't even believe it's possible.

Realized yesterday, as I filled out daycare registration papers that we are going to be over the barrel financially for another umpteen years.  I may have to find a way to bring in another $500/month...there goes finding myself.   Shit.

I need to get selfish but have neither the time, resources or self permission to go for it.

I'm my worst enemy...I feel like an orphan, my kids are the good in my world but also my scapegoat for avoiding "me".

I'm fat, aging by the day and more worthless and hopeless by the second.

When does someone rescue me?  When do I rescue myself?