Messy at midlife Momma

Turning 40.  Wow, that one even surprised me. Not that I was 40, instead how it hit me. 

I had always thought that people's reactions to birthdays was as much what they thought about it as how they felt.  I was intention about how I thought about birthdays, giving them little meaning other then a reason to have a night out and a nice dinner with my hubby.

Then 40 happened.  No matter what I thought, I couldn't shake a terrible, unhappy, dissatisfied, empty feeling climbing over me.  I tried to take perspective, be insightful, practice gratitude - nothing worked.  I did a bio psychosocial assessment on myself, listed all my vulnerabilities to practically find solutions to help - nothing did.  I sank deeper and deeper.  My health was waging a losing battle and I was messy.  Messy at midlife.

I lost relationships, I had become angry, less forgiving, more grudge & score keeping.  I had reached my maximum helping meter & was pissed.  I tried to put boundaries around myself, people noticed right away, some didn't understand.  How do you understand someone saying no & being apathetic when they have always laid down & been happy to be walked on?

I screamed on the inside, but was quiet on the outside.  I never wanted to harm myself or leave my children but man, I felt chained to a life I was entirely responsible for creating and hating almost every aspect of it.  I thought about what I liked, I had no idea when I started.  I tried to remember the last time I had fun, real let loose & laugh from that guttural place.  Too long ago to truly remember.  Looked at my relationships & realized I was working so hard to hold onto ones that had moved on without me.  Tried to make new connections and was successful going out for dinners scheduling play dates.  I felt no joy, felt forced to pretend and I was exhausted.

Surely I decided, I'm depressed.  I did some depression indexes and felt sure, I didn't know how I got there but was sure that I had arrived.  I realized that I had some EAP coverage & mulled it over for a bit & then with much hesitation made that call.  I started to see someone, skeptical at first but stuck with it.

I already knew 40 years of shit was weighing on me & I needed to confront it.  What I didn't realize was how effective I had been at avoiding and stuffing everything and how it was all erupting despite my horrified efforts to contain it.  It helped and I talked about things I had never spoken about it before.  I came to the realization I was angry, I was a conflict avoider, I wasn't strong in the ways I had thought, I was sick because of them and I was now getting well.

The messiness got better, I felt better, took more risks, felt excitement, felt alive.  Those around me noticed too.  Then I stopped.  I stopped because my coverage ran out and I avoided having to pay and explain to my hubby why.   I shouldn't have.

Now we're so tight financially I couldn't pay if I wanted to and guess what, I want to.  I need to.

I feel a captive in my own life, no fun, no joy, no point.  Messy, messy, messy momma.